Chapter 11 – Terrified
Ariel
“Jacks,” I whisper, shaking my head at him, incredibly disappointed in myself that I didn’t know. He’s my mate – how did I miss that he wasn’t sleeping!?
“Don’t,” Jackson murmurs, his wolf pressing himself tight against my wolf’s little rose-gold body. She howls, nuzzling her face against his fur. “I was trying to keep it from you –“
“Well, you shouldn’t have!” I growl.
He just smiles, clearly not regretting letting me have the peace and the sleep even if he couldn’t.
“Jackson, you’re not going to lose us,” I say quietly, looking into his eyes, willing him to believe it. “It’s not going to happen.”
“Oh, I can tell you about two hundred scenarios in which I absolutely could lose you –“
I growl again, forcing him away from any jokes. “I think you should talk to my dad about this, Jackson.” He blinks at me in surprise but I just nod. “If anyone is going to understand the anxiety of keeping five much-beloved wolves alive, it’s him.”
Jackson exhales slowly, realizing that I’m right. “I don’t want him to think I’m weak.”
“He’ll think you’re stronger,” I say, knowing that it’s right, “if you ask for help. I honestly think that if you tell him about it he’ll tell you about the times he’s felt the same and offer you some good perspective. And also…” I bite my lip. “I think you should talk to a therapist.”
Jackson frowns at me. “What is that going to do?”
I shrug. “Jackson, you keeping me away from danger is about anxiety as much as it is instinct to keep me safe while I’m pregnant. I think that’s what’s keeping you awake. You need to talk to someone about how to manage it. You can’t live like this.”
He drops his gaze, clearly thinking about it.
“Our girls need a healthy, well-rested dad,” I say quietly, pressing myself closer to him. “And I don’t think the Academy can survive the food budget necessary to keep your energy up if you’re not sleeping.”
He laughs a little at this and I grin, glad that my little joke worked.
“It doesn’t change much, Ari,” he says, again lifting his eyes to mine. “I’ll talk to your dad, and a therapist, if you think it will help. I want to sleep. But I’m still not going to let you throw yourself into dangerous situations. That will kill me.”
“I need you to be on my side, Jackson,” I whisper, not giving in. Not completely. He frowns at me, not understanding. “We live in a world where everyone is going to tell me – over and over – that I can’t do stuff because I’m a girl, and I’m small, and I’m pregnant, and I’ve got three daughters. People won’t tell you that because you’re a big guy even though you also have three daughters. But they’ll say it to me, easy as breathing. I don’t think I’ll survive it if you take their side. That will break me.”
Jackson’s expression softens as he begins to understand.
“I need you telling me that I can, Jacks. Not that I can’t.”
“All right, Ariel,” Jackson murmurs, nodding to me, stroking his knuckles down the length of my cheek. I smile softly at him. “But in turn, I need you to want to protect yourself and our girls as much as you want to protect everyone else.”
I press my hand to my stomach, frowning at him. “I do want to protect them,” I murmur. But then I take a minute to consider whether he’s right. “Do you really think I don’t want to protect the girls?”
He clenches his jaw for a moment, eyes flicking over me, then lays his hand over mine, both of our wolves turning to the two shiny bonds. “I think…you were willing to leap into danger in another dimension and bring them along, Ari. To save your sister.”
I shake my head, my allegiances torn, taking a long moment to consider it all. I close my eyes, concentrating on my new silvery bonds. “I don’t think they’re real to me yet.”
I feel Jackson smile, even if I don’t see it. “What do you mean?”
I shrug. “I just…feel like me. I didn’t even think about carrying them into battle the way you said it, like carrying toddlers onto a battlefield. I don’t think the twins are real to me yet. I think they’re just…concepts right now. Just silvery bonds. Not real babies.” I raise my head, suddenly curious. “Are they real to you?”
He gives me a smile, warm and loving. “Yes.”
My lips part a little, panic rushing through me that he’s a better parent than me.
Oh no. I am so doomed. All of my girls are going to love him way, way more than me!
Jackson laughs. “Stop that.”
“How are they real to you!?”
“I don’t know,” he murmurs, shrugging. “I think about them. My wolf spends time with the bonds, studying them, getting to know them. They’re very different already.”
My eyes widen. “They are!?”
He grins at me. “…Yes?” I can tell that he has more to say but doesn’t want to make me feel bad that I didn’t notice.
I groan, trying very hard to flop back on my couch in despair, but Jackson just laughs and holds his arm tight so that I drape over it, devastated. “I’m such a bad mom.”
“Yes, you are.”
“What!?” I shriek, whipping my head up.
He grins at me, already laughing, and I scowl and smack at him with my hands. He just laughs harder, cuddling me tight. “You’re not a bad mom, Ariel. You’re just doing things in your own time. Plus, I have plenty of time to investigate the bonds while you’re snoring away.”
“Well, what’s different about them!?” I ask, suddenly frantic, looking down at my belly absurdly like I’m going to see a difference.
“Just…look,” he murmurs, nudging me, urging me to turn inwards to our souls. I do, my wolf eagerly approaching the bonds. “Can you feel it? On the left. Hers…sings different.”
I glance up at Jackson, struck by this rather romantic turn of phrase, and then fix my attention back on the bonds. I listen quietly, feeling the hum of the first bond and then turning to the second, attuning myself to them. And my mouth falls open when I realize that he’s right – that they’re different –
That they’re not just two identical bonds linking to two future babies –
Instead, they’re fully distinct little souls – each unique – and this one, she’s curious – and the other one more placid –
I burst into tears, guilt and wonder and delight swarming through me.
“Don’t – don’t do that –“ Jackson murmurs, gathering me close, laughing a little at my excessive reaction.
“How can they be people!” I gasp, completely overwhelmed. “They’re – they’re brand new!”
“They’re cool,” he says, smiling, clearly delighted with them. His wolf lays happily by the bonds, nudging each with his nose in turn.
“You’re such a better parent than me,” I sigh, leaning all of my weight fully against Jackson, suddenly exhausted.
“No, I’m not,” he says, holding me gently. “I just…got there a little faster.”
We stay that way for a long time, Jackson holding me, me spending time attending to my daughters’ bonds, learning them, sensing them. Joy builds in me as the minutes pass, even as I feel stupid that I hadn’t realized this sooner.
Quite suddenly, I want a bond with Marigold very, very badly.
But…well. No use dwelling on that impossibility, which will only break my heart.
“Okay,” I whisper, nodding, making Jackson jump a bit at the sound of my voice. I smile, realizing he was lost in his thoughts too. “I’ll be…less reckless. And take into consideration what you need from me, Jacks. But I’m not going to stay in the house while you go off into dangerous situations, especially ones in which I can help.”
“All right,” he says, smoothing a hand over my hair. “And I’ll be on your side, I promise. But you have to listen to me when I tell you I think something is too dangerous. You’re all heart, Ari. But there’s more at stake now.”
I nod, taking a deep breath, understanding better now and agreeing to it.
Peace hums through me and I feel even closer to my sweetheart mate than I was before. Which is an impossible, nonsense idea but…well. It’s true.
I sigh, snuggling closer to him. “I thought this was going to be a more down-and-out fight.”
“Oh yeah?” he asks, peering down at me. “You want me to like…yell at you, or something?”
I look up at him, twisting my mouth to the side. “Kinda. You know, just for the experience. And the bragging rights?”
His brow knits. “Bragging rights? Who do you imagine we’re trying to beat?”
“Well, Rafe and Maryam can’t be the only ones chasing each other through the halls shouting impassioned insults. I don’t want them getting big ideas about being the spiciest couple.”
Jackson bursts out laughing but then schools his features and snarls at me, leaning close. “You were…so bad Ariel. I’m…mad at you.” His words are stilted, hesitant.
I burst out laughing, clutching his shirt in my hands as I lean away from him, unable to take it. Clearly, yelling at me does not come naturally to my Jacks, as so much else does.
“You’re gonna be…punished!” He continues, grinning now too, clearly completely at odds for how to pretend to yell at me and stumbling over his words. “You have to do what I say! Bad…girl!”
I laugh harder, my whole body shaking with it.
Jackson laughs too. “Come on, you’re not even taking me seriously –“ he says, lowering his arm and letting me lean back on the couch all the way so that my back is flat against the cushions.
“I can’t!” I say, still cracking up. “You’re so bad at it!”
He growls, crawling over me, and I grin at him even as a pleasant shiver runs through me when his body presses me down into the cushions. “What’s my punishment going to be, Alpha?” I whisper, all sultry and pouty, playing along.
“Oh, just shut up,” he murmurs. “And I’ll show you.”
With a final snarl, my big strong Alpha lays his body out along mine and kisses me, hard and fast. I moan, pressing myself close to him, my knee hitching up over his hip as my hands fist in his shirt, pulling him closer.
All thoughts of our fight are immediately wiped from my mind.
Replaced with much, much better things.